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Saving myself [18 May 2004|08:57pm] There's no point in denying it, I know he sits there in my heart like some heavy stone I cant let go. I want to let go and I know I cannot so I have given up the battle. I'm fighting a new battle now. I am fighting to make myself invisible to him. Because if I do not see him I will not tempt myself. Love is a strange thing indeed but it doesn't sit lightly with me. I am afraid of his power over me. I have to be. I know what he is capable of but I will not let him win. I can not because it would mean nothing to me. It will have meant nothing, all this trying will have been for nothing... I have been so strong lately. I must mantain that strength, I must not lose, not this far into my life. 1 comment|post comment

Look up!!!! [12 Feb 2003|07:53pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Kiss- Because I'm a girl. (this is a girl group, not rock) ] Up the screen that is. Pretty huh? I took forever to get zach's head out of that picture. --;; And I also hate that scanner. *grumbles* For those of you who don't know that's hieu and me. ^^ 1 comment|post comment

*mumbles about headache* [12 Feb 2003|07:11pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Brown Eyes- With Coffee ] Someone's trying to split my head in two. *pouts* Yeah,so I really can't wait till friday. You ARE coming down friday right? You must darling. Of course you are. There, I decided for you. ^^ Damn, these pants are sooo...uncomfy. And what was that about me being a tool? A wrench? *blinks* That's sooo nice of you. I hope you like kissing yourself. =? Anyways, for a more serious subject. I sat there all day and thought to myself about what you thought of me. No no, not that way. Just why on earth would you date me of all people? I'm soo...normal. So very normal, like I'm short and not really pretty and I haven't got the brains to survive a math exam. So yeah, and I kept thinking of all the reasons why on earth you would date me and I just don't know. Hmmmm, I mean I get all so...weird inside about it tooo. Like I can't breathe if I think really bad thoughts. And I shouldn't but I do. WHich really sucks but it happens. Anyway, I'm half way through 27. AHHH, No, mustn'y read on...can't have ending come tooooo sooon.... *.* Okay then. Forget it....Alright, Miss you lots, ttyl. Love you 1 comment|post comment

^^ [11 Feb 2003|08:12pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Utada Hikaru- Simple and Clean (don't ask) ] SOOOOOOOOOOOO, Today, I was trying to fix my dress for semi and I poked myself twice, had a fight with my mom, ate greasy chicken and ended up cursing everyone to bed and now I'm sitting here.Hmmm, School was interesting enough too. Oh yeah, and I'm soooo broke.... V.V Spent all my money on chinese new years too. And yeah dude, you should have come down. Darn you. Okay, I'm over it. Bib and I were talking and we had a laugh about how I would end up raping you before we hit boston. Then she said, "You can't rape the willing." And so we cracked up and scared everyone in our math class. ^^ Fun huh? Oh, tommorow last day for semi tickets. Tell me you all soooo coming. You are right babe? Hmm, I'll just buy two in case. ^^ AH, I have after school meeting too. Sooo, I don't have to do laundry. *happiness* Yes, as I stated earlier...I'll be wearing a dress. Scariness no? Hmm, also, let's seeeeee, should I sleep over friday night? And just go to class on saturday? And then drive back for semi and sneak you into my room? Oh well, no need ot rush into these things. Time, time time. We're going to have so much time... It'll be fun again, it always has been. Okay, I'm going to drive myself crazzyyy waiting. So I love you lots. ttyl babe. ^^ 2 comments|post comment

Picture of flowery thingy [10 Feb 2003|03:34pm] Yeah, i realized Orchids come in all colors and types. i like these in white *hint hint* post comment

Um right... [10 Feb 2003|03:34pm] Damn, I forgot what I was gonna say.... 1 comment|post comment

My weekend [10 Feb 2003|03:06pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | I've forgoten all the titles and artist's names... ] Adam's mom was really nice this weekend and invited us to stay for the chinese new year festival. I ended up staying saturday night as well and sunday. The festival was the first I'd seen ever so it was fun and Bib ran into a friend of hers which was strange cause she dragged me to find him again, seeing as he was a part of this one dragon team. Or something along that lines. And there was this guy wearing this mask so he could breathe and all we could see were his eyes and I kept wanting to check if it was you but it wasn't. When the firecrackers went off and I had all this stuff in my hands and I couldn't reach up to plug my ears fast enough. I felt like my ears were gonna pop. Oh, on saturday I got to go out for dim sum with Adam's family and everyone kept saying I looked like this girl Jessica. I'll meet her next weekend if I spend the weekend again. Adam's mom said that would be fine. Seeing as Bib's dating Adam anyway. Can you believe they've...um, yeah, FIVE times in two days? Once while I was in the room asleep?!!!! I was like o.O WTF....yeah...so um that was bad. See, now we have to catch up. Lol. They also did it in the bathroom in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. Little horny bastards....lol. So um, yeah, today my eye lids weighed a ton and i kept wanting to sleep in class and it took my 45 minutes to do one problem on the math test. --;;; And in art, I got carried away by Anne Geddes's "Pure" It's such a beautiful photo album. I was really amazed. Valentine is coming up by the way, but you must have figured that one out already. Damn, hmm, no idea what I want to do about it. No chance in it either. Then we have vacation and I'm all thrilled too. *rolls eyes* Oh yeah, and no red roses please. Over done sometimes. That's why I got the peached colored one. I always saw that as a blushing thing, you know, when someone blushes....^.^;; Oh, I always had a love for orchid flowers. Those are so beautiful, graceful in their own way, like the way they're hung on the stem. It's always so endearing, like they're waiting for someone or something. YUcko, my computer's making kissy noises cause its getting so close to valentines... post comment

^^ [05 Feb 2003|04:18pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | 1tym-Good Love ] I could kiss you and you know i will too. Made my day when I came home and got the package. All excited too, on 12 already... Have to slow down here. ^^;; Okay, whatever. Just giggly and happy. Knowing you still love me and that i still love you. ^^ Write more tonight, promise. 2 comments|post comment

Shorter days. [03 Feb 2003|03:01pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Utada Hikaru- First love ] Each day feels shorter then the one before because for some reason I have no doubt left in me. Hmm, I suppose that makes me happier. Oh, yesterday it got so hot at night that I had to open a window just so I could sleep and I fell aleep at the window. And this morning I didn't hear the alarm go off but I got ready in time anyway. I've been able to sleep more easily then not these days, not like the first few days where I laid there like this *...* Ah, yeah, Nick, our lead in the state-comp play grew a goatee for the play... Makes him look soo mean. Like his whole demeanor changes with that one change. Not unless he smiles and waves at you, then you go, OHH, it's still just Nick. Ah, yeah, did I tell you my part for the state-comp? I'm an old lady. Hard to imagine me with my baby face as an old lady huh? '_' I also have one line too, its' "What about the good of the show?" Lol, yeah, Aren't I great? Woooooo, okay...a little strange. Just happy today, more then yesterday anyway. Those small reminders make me happy and not sad. Not anymore anyway. ^^ Oh, before I forget, I finished book ten of LW&C, damn, what happens next? O.O 3 comments|post comment

Tired and sick... [02 Feb 2003|08:27pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Black Beat- "Chingoo." (Friend) ] Ewwww....shouldn't have eaten that much food...ewww...tummy hurts...ewww... *.* >.< Anyway, I feel a bit better then I did a few minutes ago but still not great. Hmm, oh yeah, I just finished Laundry, all by myself..*mumbles unhappily.* And I stood there with that dumb yellow sweater and smelled it and the people around me were like, "Huh? Is she okay?" Yeah, I was smelling the sweater and thinking...yeah, this is how Hieu smells, he smells clean... Always in my mind like that. And yesterday at the mall in Lechmere or however you spell it, we stopped into banana republic and I put my face into the sweaters and thought, So this is what it's like to really miss someone and the guy who worked there walked by with this expression. -.* Like I was the strangest person in the world or something, Which I am not. Well, that's it, I'm going to bed. G-night. 1 comment|post comment

..... [02 Feb 2003|06:23pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Macy Gray- I try ] I sit here and type away about nothing at all because I have nothing left to talk about. Everything's just faded away into this shade of continuos gray and I feel bored more then not. It's laundry day and as always, I'm designated to go. No one else does laundry and if I refuse to, then my laundry doesn't get washed. Fair isn't it? But no one else touches anything in the house. I just finished making lunch, some papaya salad and my sister is such a witch cause nothing pleases her. Oh, my older sister came for a visit, the little wench..*grumbles* she picks up my nail clipper and says casualy, "I'm taking this cause no one owns it." We fought about that, then we fought about her going out to the movies, and making lunch and what not. Then she rolls her eyes and walks away like I'm less important or something. And my brother forbids me to be online, like he can stop me, I'm the only one who knows the password anyway. Not only that he forbid me to be on the computer period. I'm the only one who knows jack shit about it so there. Grr....lol ^^;; Ah, once I start talking/typing, I can't seem to stop. Hmm, oh yeah, Adam and Bib have been bugging me nonstop to go to semi...I don't think I'll go, I mean, why right? I won't have as much fun...What do you think? Go or don't? Ahh, one of my favorite songs is playing right now, 1tym's Good Love. It's a pretty song and Danny has such a great voice. The song is about love that isn't perfect but makes you happy. And no, I don't suppose I'll sing online since I can't sing in real life anyway. Click-b's To Be Continued, song is so...spooky. I mean the way they sing the song, it's got this beat that isn't slow song but it isn't a dance song either. It's a really good song so go download it off of kazaa when you get the chance. Click B is also the first boy band to play their own instruments. And they can sing, even if it's in Korean at least the words make more sense then those hard rock songs. Don't get me wrong, i love rock, in fact, i think Linkin Park is way too cool. It's just some rock are bad and some are good. Curse those rocks. Lol. Last night, I slept like a rock...hmm, what is it with me and that word anyway? Seesh. Lol, but yeah, and this morning, I didn't want to get up. Too sleepy and warm. And that sarah M. song kept running through me head. "Every memory seep from my head, Let me be empty, oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight." That line specifically and I just shut off my brain and fell asleep so I didn't want to wake up and have to face another day. I just wanted to wake up and have it be the twenty fifth already... damn, I'm making myself sad again. Oh, you know what song is perfect for us right now? Macy Gray's I Try. yeah, that's how I feel right now. post comment

overwhelmed [01 Feb 2003|06:17pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Hanadwehuh ] Today I was in Boston. At first it was so different and yet the same that nothing affected me...Then I just got so...tired and overwhelmed... Like all the emotions I'd been supressing surfaced and I felt I was drowning and so..lonely. Lonely...funny, I felt lonely all week but just...not that lonely, and not that... not that lonely that it hurt that badly. I'm sad...I miss you. I miss you so much and I'm afraid... Someone once said...Let go and they'll come back to you...funny, I let someone like that go once. Let them go because I believed they'd come back...It hurt to find out they weren't coming back and yet some part of me still clung so desperately to their memory. Like if I could...I would be able to touch them through memory alone. Love is so strange....I think of nothing and no one else now... Nothing but being there and if I'm soo close and I can't even see you, or touch you...then why do I torture myself with it? I know it's worth all this pain...I know that inside me I'm dying and it'll be okay once I see you again...but it just...becomes so unbearable... 1 comment|post comment

I hate you [31 Jan 2003|07:23pm] [ mood | envious ] [ music | Shinhwa- Gonna be alright ] I hate you for making me miss you. I hate you for making me want you, for making it hard to sleep at night and hell, I hate you for making me love you so much without trying. I hate me for caring so much. DOn't be upsett baby, makes me upset. post comment

Today.... [31 Jan 2003|05:01pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | SES- Be Natural ] Ahhhhh.... =( I have a pimple in my ear. How the hell is that possible? I'm sitting there in class and reach up and there it was. AHHH..so yeah, first I thouht it was infected but the nurse goes, nope, class one zit and i'm like >.<;; So yeah, lol, exciting huh? Also, Mom dragged me to social security today and I sat there for two hours and was sore and everything, falling asleep and nodding at everything they said and they didn't even need me. Oh, tommorow I'll be in Boston, sucks huh? So close and yet so far away. *grumbles under breath* And I'm stuck babysitting... That evil little brat from upstairs.... So today went by fairly fast. Oh, I think I'm going to Japan this summer. Yeah, Laos turned out to be for adults only. --;; Like I'm immature or something. Hey, I know I'm more mature then half the people I know. And everyone keeps stressing the you have to be eighteen thing. That is soooo pointless. I'm more mature then most eighteen year olds. Take a look at Hieu, I'm soo much more mature then him. =? I got invited to all these valentine's parties and I turned them all down. Like I need to go anyway. What fun would it be right? The most romantic day of the year and I have to spend it by myself ._. I might or might not go to semi, what's the point in it right? Hmm, oh, yeah, got dismissed early today and it doesn't matter cause I still can't sleep...have to stay awake until later tonight cause I need the correct amount of sleep to be able to get up at five tommorow. Steph's suppose to come with me but I'm online so I'll get off to get back to her. *sighs* sooo tired. And sore, I need a massage but no one knows how to do it without breaking my back...*grumbles* Only 25 more days. Then its the second month and I get to see someone specail. *sigh* Can't wait, but the minutes will turn to hours and hours into days and before we know it, everything will work out. I would love double dating. SHIT, that baby I'm watching/semi watching just broke mom's vase. Grrr...he's getting a time out....now's he's trying to escape. AHHH, I hate kids when they're like this...ohmygosh..I'm going to kill him... *sigh* that's it, That's all I'll write, I'll leave now... post comment

Thoughts [30 Jan 2003|09:43pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Nora Jones- I Don't Know Why ] Today was the big show at school, Bib and Sheng were in it and I kept telling myself that Bib should stop singing and keep dancing. ^^;; Oh, and Sheng got a new hairstyle that is so cute, I want my hair like that. Red streaks and I need to get it cut again. *sighs* Too long to wear down and such a hassle to do anything with it if I want to wear it down. Did I mention how dead my hair is and how I need so desperately to fix it? Lol, yeah, that's bad. Oh Oh, I bugged the Shinhwa Cd off of Lou, finally, I haven't listened to it yet but when I get off line I'll listen to it. Also I got Shallow Hal on DVD to watch again because that movie always makes me smile and laugh and I think Jack Black is too funny to resist. I loved all the movies he was in, he's really talented and graceful for a fat guy isn't he? Ahh, I think to keep myself busy I'm going to throw myself into school work and such. Maybe my art, I've been trying so hard to get a chance at drawing portraits of people. That's what the class is for on saturdays right? Also, the Korean girl at schools totally sweet, I think we'll get along because we both like the same music. She got all excited when we said hello to her in Korean. Made her day and made my day to see her smile. ^^ Which reminds me, men are so complicated aren't they? I decided I needed to become lesbian to save me the trouble of trying to figure them out. =? Got you all excited didn't I? I'm kidding, nah, men aren't hard to figure out. Just have to figure out all their buttons. Turn em off and on. ^^ Ahh, I started thinking about some things today and I thought so long and hard I fell asleep in Study. So much for thinking but I got a few things straightened out in my head. Oh, Bib and Hieu need to talk eventually (as in a conversation and not one putting the other down it'll hurt.) It'll save me a lot of headaches in the near future. Besides, the two most important people in my life need to find some agreement or I'll have to dump both of them. That Nora Jone's song, I don't know why. It keeps retelling of how Hieu and I met. Makes me sad and yet happy that it's on so much. Also, I heard that old Song by Nine Days, Story of A Girl. It reminded me of...well, me. Lol, just a bit and how every past BF says things about me. Maybe not Kevin, not since I broke the laptop. --;; Which was not my fault okay? Lol... Also, I think I ruined that yellow sweater, I'm wearing it right now but I have to wash it soon. ^^;;; I can't help if its now my favorite article of clothing. Besides, i look good in yellow. Oh, and I still love you. 1 comment|post comment

A longer entry and a few more thoughts [29 Jan 2003|10:05pm] Random I got the pictures from the aquarime and I wanted to add that I cannot take pictures with those dumb little plastic thingies... --;; Lol, and I found out one of my friends is an amazing photographer. Need to get around to hiring her for to take a few pics. I'll stick to professional cameras and black and white film. ^^ Also I found if I lied to myself it makes things easier then having to tell myself the truth day after day for a long time. School: Class has fallen into a routine as well, my teachers don't seem to have notice much of a change. Damn, I just realized how fast I can type nowadays as compared to when I typed with my index fingers as I was starting out. Hmm, so much for those keyboarding classes. Not like they gave me enough credit anyway. I need to sign up my E period study for an independent studies class. Also I need to get moving on that Eric Portrait, been working on it since christmas and yet I haven't even finished his hair, damn hair too. So much work. *sighs* Oh, and before I forget, met this new korean girl today. She's a new exchange student, must have been around for a few days but I haven't been myself enough to notice. Really sweet girl but she doesn't know a word of english. Hope she doesn't start calling me Unni (older sister) ^^;; Oh, and I have to finish Huckleberry fin soon but those damn Lone Wolf and Cub books have been really distracting. Everyone else around here have been picking up randomly parts of it and reading them like regular comics. *sighs* Brendan from school stole parts 1-3 from me as well, i'll get those tommorow though. If I have to wrestle him again. Lol... Reminds me, i have to go bye a Commuter rail pass so I can stop bugging mom for money every saturday for class, need to speak to Connery about that. WHich reminds me, there are two teachers at school, connery and connerly, confused me for a while there. Friends and family: Mrs. Hirons is so strange. She keeps nagging me about my grades which are fine. And then she changes her view completely and is all happy for me. Like she knows I'm sad or something and is trying really hard to cheer me up. Also she invited me to this dance show at the school tommmorow night and then a professional thing in march. She asked me so far ahead of time becuase tickets are suppose to run out before the first week of march. My mom has been nicer lately, like she can read something off of me as well. My other family doesn't realy care. not that they ever have. My brothers and sisters are as horrible as always, less likely to kill me, more like I'm finally gonna murder them. Love: I'm living but I'm not happy. Is that the way to put it? yeah...Living but not happy. Life's like that. That's probably all that'll make me happy, love...oh, and good sex would be nice too. =? post comment

Being sad.... [29 Jan 2003|09:08pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Lifehouse-Everything ] You're upset baby, and that makes my upset. I don't know why. Maybe if you pretended like you were happy, maybe if I could somehow motivate you to do something, anything, I might be able to make time move faster. I can't take you being s inactive, it's not like you, not when the person I know is always up to something, doing something. Please be motivated, please do something, anything. Please be happy. On a lighter note...or maybe, My brother crashed the car today. Loser....*grumbles* I don't understand how mom can keep giving him the car if the only thing he ever does is wreck it. I think this might be the second time, loser... And today in school, I tried hard not to think, didn't work. Not even when I found out I got a 49 on midterms in Algebra Two, my worst subejct next to science. Bib figured she got a sixty instead of a 58 and passed the dumb midterm. Thank god it was only ten percent of the grade and the teacher likes me. Dumb curly head in class kept us all stalled up because she couldn't figure out the problem. It's okay to be sad, I just have to keep reminding myself of all those wonderful moments we had time to share with each other. They make me laugh so much, cry sometimes, smile when I need to. I can still smell his scent on everything. Everything and everyone. I quit inter-class plays because my teacher's a jerk and I hate being an understudy for everyone. post comment

A thought [28 Jan 2003|06:04pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | O-Town: All or Nothing ] My mother said something to me today. She said I was privileged and that I only had one problem in the whole world. She said that I didn't love myself. I almost cried when I realized that couldn't possibly be true...or could it? I don't suppose it should and yet it does...How does someone not love themselves enough? She kept saying how the world flooded me with love and yet I could give myself no ounce of that love. She kept saying I was lucky and that eventaully I would have to give myself that opporturnity to love...Mom...I think I already have and it hurts. Not badly...it just does... 1 comment|post comment

Unfair reminders. [28 Jan 2003|01:19pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | SES- I will ] I sit there and think of nothing all day and realize what a better way to rant then here, at this place I haven't updated in forever. Unfair reminders have been popping up all week, sorta like something won't let me forget. I see him everywhere by the way. In my friends and the way they joke or laugh or even the way they roll their eyes. I see him mostly in Brendan when Brendan tries to make me laugh because he knows for some reason I'm sad. I should say this should be a comfort for the next twenty eight days but instead it just makes things worst because I can't just call him up and hear his voice. I miss him. But hell, like anyone cares right? Their're all so busy with their lives, I pretend to live it out but it gets just a little hard. Twenty eight days will go by so fast...won't they? post comment

SOOO Tired... [09 Jul 2002|05:05pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Black Beat- Shine ] It is aproximately 5:09 and...I'm sooo damn tired. Okay, sorry for that, the last few days have ben hell. All the running around, the unpacking and rearranging and classes and schedules and sports and etc. etc. yeah...so I finally have time to myself. *phew* yea...hey, that's it, I'm too tired to write more soI'm just going to run and get dinner before bed. G-night. post comment

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